Patrick Schwarzenegger Is Apparently Pushing Miley Cyrus To Party Harder Than She Usually Does

I honestly didn’t think it was possible for there to be anyone more enthusiastic about partying than human hillbilly drug disposal Miley Cyrus, but apparently there is, and TMZ says it’s her current partner in staged photo-ops Patrick Schwarzenegger. According to multiple sources who have partied with Miley and Patrick (Hi Paris Hilton’s herpes sores!), it’s Patrick who is the booze-guzzling drug-hoovering party rat, not Miley. Well, technically she is, but just a little less than Patrick.

Maria Shriver’s kid is still in Miami with Miley for that Art Basel bullshit and has been allegedly raging non-stop. Apparently it’s all strippers and night clubs for Patrick, and he’s raging harder than a Kardashian at an All-You-Can-Botox buffet. A source says that Patrick is well known in the EDM scene, and he’s no stranger to weed. WEED?! Insert Neil deGrasse Tyson watch out we got a badass.gif here.

And TMZ says even Patrick’s family are laughing at the idea that Miley might be corrupting their innocent baby boy with her gas-huffing stripper chipmunk antics. They say they know he likes to party and they’re hoping Miley might “slow him down“. I’m sorry, but Miley is like a bag of coke on speed; the only thing slow about her is the wheel in her brain responsible for cranking out smart thoughts.

Personally, I’m not sure who I think parties harder. On the one hand, Patrick has access to that next-level Kennedy Compound coke, which means Patrick don’t play when it comes to drugs. On the other hand, Miley has no doubt built up a tolerance to harder, weirder shit, like powdered moonshine and home-made hillbilly quaaludes. I think the real test is for them to go back in time to 2007 and party with Lindsay Lohan. Whoever can still remember their own name at the end of the night wins!