Some Pearl-Clutching Prudes In The UK Just Banned A Whole Bunch Of Fun Sex Acts From British Porn

I know that Austin Powers isn’t a British porn, but you honestly don’t want to see what comes up when you search “British porn” (trust me, it’s neither groovy nor shagadelic). According to The Independent, some fun-hating killjoys in parliament (or wherever shitty decisions are made), dusted off 2003’s Communications Act and made an amendment called the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014, which states that video-on-demand online porn now follow the same rules as “DVD sex shop porn” (how adorably quaint) created by the British Board of Film Censors. The following is the list of no-nos for British pornos according to the BBFC’s new regulations:

“Spanking, caning, aggressive whipping, penetration by any object “associated with violence”, physical or verbal abuse (regardless of if consensual), urolagnia (known as “water sports”), role-playing as non-adults, physical restraint, humiliation, female ejaculation, strangulation, facesitting, fisting.”

No more pissing? Sorry, Pimp Mama Kris, there goes the lucrative UK profits from the special 10th anniversary edition DVD of Kim Kardashian Superstar.

I have SO many questions about that list! If you take away spanking and fisting and calling someone a “filthy little crumpet”, what else is left for you to do? Shake hands before delivering an efficient and dignified blowjob? And what happens if a lady is having sex and she accidentally female ejaculates? Will they have to start over, or can they just clean that up later in editing? And someone needs to be more specific on that “any object associated with violence” rule, because any object can be violent if you use it in the right way. Case in point: the time I saw a woman slap another woman at Walmart with a 4-pk of marshmallow Peeps. Are stuffing Peeps up your butt off the table now? I’m…uh…asking for a friend.