Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Likes Her Wrinkles, Is Trying To Age Gracefully

November 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Cut to a $748 antique glass syringe filled with organic botulinum toxin sitting on an imported Italian marble counter in the guest house bathroom at Castle Goopskull throwing 50 CC’s of side-eye in Goopy’s general direction.

Snobby unsalted soda cracker Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke to Stylist (via Daily Mail) about her beauty routine (“FINALLY!!!” – screamed every woman desperate to know the secret to looking like a greasy dehydrated parsnip chip), and naturally the conversation turned to getting older and wrinklier and shit. While some of her peers are pawning their Oscars for the down-payment on a high-end commercial wrinkle steamer, Gwyneth says she doesn’t notice that stuff. DUH! Goopy would NEVER bother with something as pedestrian as aging!

“I know it’s a cliché, but I really do subscribe to the ‘age gracefully’ thing. I’d rather die than be studying my face. I just brush my teeth and try to get dressed and get everyone up. I don’t tend to wear much make-up either. I like my wrinkles and you know, I like what I see.”

Meanwhile, her wrinkled-up butt hole is screaming in excruciating pain from having to pass so much partially-digested lemongrass and raw chia seed brittle. Pray 4 butt hole.

But I don’t know if I’m entirely convinced that Gwyneth is all about aging gracefully. The Goopy I know would harvest the eyelashes from the last remaining flat-footed cashmere desert fox or drinking virgin alien blood if it meant looking 3 minutes younger. I guess the only way to tell will be to wait 30 years and see what Goopy’s face looks like at 70. Although I’m sure Adobe will have invented a real-life Photoshop program for human skin called “Aging Gracefully” by then. That clever corn broom – always finding a loop-hole!

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