Hot Slut Of The Day!

Betty Crocker Fruit Gushers!

I can’t believe that I’ve done almost 10 years of HSOTDs and I still haven’t fully paid tribute to the delicious and healthy (it’s part of the fruit group, thankyouverymuch) snack that busts a fruity load in your mouth. Fruit Gushers gushed onto the scene in 1990 and quickly became the crack rocks of the cafeteria. They’re still around today, because everybody loves Fruit Gushers! If fruits could grow pimples and those fruit pimples were filled with delicious fruit-flavored pus, they would look and taste just like Fruit Gushers! So no wonder they’re still around. Wanting to suck fruit pus out of a fruit pimple is a timeless craving.

Like I’ve said before, my mom was always into being healthy (gross, I know), so she barely ever bought us processed drops of diabetes-inducing deliciousness. But when I got older, I bought a box of Fruit Gushers with my own cash and finished it off in about 10 minutes. The thing I remember about Fruit Gushers is that they practically never expire. The expiration date was 50 years in the future or something insane like that. I haven’t had a Fruit Gusher in about 10 years, but I take comfort in knowing that the Fruit Gusher acid I swallowed 10 years ago has clinged to my organs and is slowly mutating into a gigantic fruit tumor. Fruit Gushers will literally stay with me forever and hopefully one of my eyeballs will eventually become a Fruit Gusher. You know what what will also stay with me forever? The day terror that is the Fruit Gushers commercial:

I squinted while watching that commercial, because I kept looking for a warning that reads: Because of all the preservatives and shit in Fruit Gushers, this could actually happen to your child.