Gwyneth Paltrow Maybe Sorta Tried To Sabotage Martin Lawrence

October 29, 2014 / Posted by:

If that isn’t the face of a calculating come-to-life corn broom saboteur, then I don’t know what is. Here, let’s take a closer look, shall we?

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Ahhhh! I can practically feel her eyes penetrating my soul and tricking me into buying $2,600 imported sea urchin venom eye cream!

But back to what’s really important here. According to Radar, the 10-week-old love between Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin that recently floated away on a fart cloud might have Gwyneth Paltrow’s hand-pressed organic almond milk stink all over it. Even though Chill Girl Gwynnie claimed to be happy that her ex had moved on and was trying to get all Goopsterhood of the Traveling Size 0 Pants with JLaw, a source claims that behind the closed doors of Castle Goopskull, that crafty corn broom was doing everything in her power to DESTROY THEM. And who did she recruit to help take down Martin Lawrence? The Gooplets!

“Jen complained to Chris that she felt like the third wheel in their relationship because of all the time he spent with his kids. Gwyneth always pressured Chris to spend more time with Apple and Moses,” the source revealed. “The kids would constantly call Chris when he was with Jennifer, and whatever they were doing would have to come to a standstill. There was always the expectation from Gwyneth that Chris should spend even more time with the kids.”

No! Gwyneth would NEVER use her kids in such a sneaky-sneaky way! Besides, they’re too busy learning formal Japanese and taking private oil painting lessons from the reanimated corpse of Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio to help their mother with after-school espionage. Not to mention that Gwyneth would never engage in something as unsophisticated as sabotage. I wonder what Goopy would do instead? Well what do you know, I just so happen to have a future GOOP post about it right here:

Emotional Betterment

After you decide to better yourself by consciously uncoupling, you may find your former partner has decided to replace you with the younger, less pretentious version of yourself, which might make you angrier than when one of your assistant forgets to order your favorite 1000 thread count cashmere-blend monogrammed toilet paper. But getting revenge is for poors and regulars, so don’t even think about scrawling the word SLUT on her car. Instead, I sit silently in a room filled with pictures of myself and marvel at how much better and cooler I am. It totally works! The violent eye-twitch I get whenever I think about that fart-huffing hussy is almost gone!

Cut to JLaw finding the word SLUT scrawled on her car in $74 beige lipstick.

Pic: Instagram

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