Renee Zellweger Is Glad You Think She Doesn’t Look Like Renee Zellweger Anymore

October 22, 2014 / Posted by:

The Internet shat up approximately three million posts and a thousand think pieces yesterday when pictures of Renee Zellweger’s de-squinted next generation face, which she’s had for about a year, made the rounds. Renee Zellweger became Richard Gere in Sommersby and everyone became Jodie Foster. They looked at her, squinted the way she used to squint and calmly said, “Who is this woman in my kitchen? You are not my Renee Zellweger.” Then we all checked to see if (insert the name of the famous white woman you think Renee resembles) looks like Chase The No Face Cat now since Renee probably ripped her face off and sewed it onto her head.

Because Renee’s squint-free mug took over the Internet yesterday, she spit up a few words about her current look to People. Renee said that you can cancel the search party for the real Renee Zellweger, because she’s still Renee Zellweger. She’s just a happier, healthier and more fulfilled Renee Zellweger. The former Squinty Zellweger thinks all the talk about her current face situation is “silly.”

“I’m glad folks think I look different! I’m living a different, happy, more fulfilling life, and I’m thrilled that perhaps it shows. It seems the folks who come digging around for some nefarious truth which doesn’t exist won’t get off my porch until I answer the door.

My friends say that I look peaceful. I am healthy. For a long time I wasn’t doing such a good job with that. I took on a schedule that is not realistically sustainable and didn’t allow for taking care of myself. Rather than stopping to recalibrate, I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how to conceal the exhaustion. I was aware of the chaos and finally chose different things. I did work that allows for being still, making a home, loving someone, learning new things, growing as a creative person and finally growing into myself.

People don’t know me in my 40s. People don’t know me [as] healthy for a while. Perhaps I look different. Who doesn’t as they get older?! Ha. But I am different. I’m happy.”

I think People has a typo in that first sentence. Renee obviously said “more full of fillers.”

The hell does “Rather than stopping to recalibrate, I kept running until I was depleted and made bad choices about how to conceal the exhaustion” mean? Does that mean she was doing meth, red wine and Ambien and when she quit all that shit her face transformed into that of another? I’m not sure. But I guess Renee went the “Oh, I’m just drinking more water and meditating” route instead of saying, “So I got the Nicole Kidman…and?” Okay, but Renee still didn’t address the only disturbing thing about those pictures. I’m talking (again) about her scattered brows. Brows should not have bald spots. How can she says she’s fulfilled when her brows are not?

All Renee needs is a Sharpie, a steady hand and a dream:


See, perfection!

Pic:, Brows: Cholafied

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