Open Post: Hosted By Sister Cristina Scuccia’s Cover Of “Like A Virgin”

October 21, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you forgot, Sister Cristina Scuccia is the singing nun who won Italy’s The Voice after she lifted everyone’s ears into the heavens with her angelic voice and made us all throw our hands up in the air while proclaiming, “Sister Act is real.” Sister Cristina won a contract with Universal and the first single off of her new album is a cover of Madonna’sLike A Virgin,” because the first line of the music industry bible reads: STUNTS SELL.

Universal and Sister Cristina Scuccia (Side note: I’m mad they didn’t give her the stage name Sissy Sucia) dipped “Like A Virgin” in holy water and scrubbed all the sex innuendos from it and changed it from an anthem about good dick into an inspirational ballad. Just like the original, Sister Cristina shot the video in Venice, but instead of humping on a dude in a lion mask (or a Bruce Jenner’s future face mask) and sexing the camera while rolling around on a gondola, she yodeled her heart out on top of a building overlooking the city. This IS your abuelita’s “Like A Virgin” especially if your abuelita is a strict Catholic like mine:

Sister Cristina tells the Catholic newspaper Avvenire (The Daily Beast) that she wasn’t trying to be controversial when she chose the song (insert eyerollfromjesus.jpg here). She chose it, because to her, the song is about cleansing yourself of your past with the help of love.

“I chose it. With no intention to provoke or scandalize. Reading the text, without being influenced by previous interpretations, you discover that it is a song about the power of love to renew people. To rescue them from their past. And this is the way that I wanted to interpret it. For this reason we have transformed this song from the pop-dance piece which it was, into a romantic ballad, a bit like the ones by Amos Lee. Something more similar to a lay prayer, than to a pop piece.”

Sis please. You can scrub down “Like A Virgin” as much as you want, but we all know that song is about dick so big, so good and so powerful that when it fucks you, it erases the memory of all the dicks you’ve had in the past. Eraser dick. Dick that makes you realize that your down low parts wasted a lot of time by doing all those other dicks. But I guess HIGH ART is up to interpretation and if Sissy Sucia hears it differently than me…

And since Sinead O’Connor isn’t doing the AMAs, I hope the producers get Sister Cristina to perform “Like A Virgin” while slow dancing with Pope Francis wearing a lion mask.

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