Goopy Paltrow Is Really “Psyched” That Martha Stewart Sees Her As Competition

October 8, 2014 / Posted by:

Because I want to post this Mona Lisa of GIFS as much as possible, this is what Martha Stewart did to Goopy Paltrow a few weeks ago:


The Grand Dame of Verbal Shade and the self-proclaimed inventor of lifestyle’n basically pulled some “Stay in your lane, bitch” shit on Goopy Paltrow when she was asked what she thinks of Goopy trying to be the new her. Martha wrapped her prison bitch grip around the mop of straw on Goopy’s head, dragged her to a chair and pushed her bony ass into it by saying, “She just needs to be quiet. She’s a movie star. If she were confident in her acting, she wouldn’t be trying to be Martha Stewart.

At the Fortune’s Most Powerful Women Summit in Laguna Niguel, CA last night, Goopy (Side note: If you’re wondering who the other Most Powerful Women were, they were all Goopy, because she’s EVERY woman. Duh.) was asked what she thinks about getting verbally shanked by Martha. Goopy cackled away and in so many words said: “I’m rare, organic, free-trade rubber made from a rubber tree in a high, desolate part of Mount Cameroon that is only accessible by a hot air balloon and she is a dusty bottle of off-brand Elmer’s glue sitting in the back of a dark shelf in a Dollar Tree in Poughkeepsie.” Goopy dribbled out this mixture of sarcasm and self-depreciation:

“First of all, no one has ever said anything bad about me before, so I’m shocked and devastated. I’ll try to recover.

If I’m really honest, I’m so psyched that she sees us as competition. I’m so psyched. I really am.

I think that when anybody criticizes anyone, um, it’s revealing more about where they are in time and space as opposed to where you are in time and space. I think generally we tend to lash out if we’re in a, you know, it’s usually a reflection of something else. At this point in my life I don’t take it personally. I see it as a projection. And if there’s ever anything that sticks then I know, ‘Oh, I’m holding this judgment against myself and I need to look at that.’ And you know sometimes I learn good things from criticism.”

GOOP, please. Martha doesn’t see Goopy as her competition. She sees Goopy as a piece of lint for her to flick off of her sweater. I never thought that Goopy wanted to be the next Martha Stewart. That’s below her. Anybody who can get approved for a layaway account can buy Martha’s mass-produced peasant products, but when you try to buy an opulent creation from GOOP using a credit card that isn’t a black card, you get the note, “DENIED. Go back to Macy’s, you poor!” But I still hope Martha slaps Goopy back and I hope it leads to them wrestling it out in a giant porcelain bedroom bath tub full of Argan oil. While they’re battling it out, the only lifestyle queen I worship, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, will stumble over to a throne made of empty Yellow Tail wine bottles and collect her crown. Because she is the real lifestyle queen of the blondes.

Martha’s motto is: “It’s a good thing.” Goopy’s motto is: “It’s a better thing. Blake NotSoLively’s motto is: “It’s a twee thing.” But Drunk Ass Sandra Lee has the best motto of all: “It’s a *buuuuuuurp* thing.

Here’s Fishsticks looking like an over-fried fishstick at the opening night of The Country House on Broadway a few nights ago.


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