Gwyneth Paltrow Has Hired One Of Martha Stewart’s Old CEOs To Run Goop

October 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Gwyneth Paltrow’s never-ending quest to be this generation’s Martha Stewart (you know, if Martha was an insufferable snobby come-to-life corn broom) continues. According to Fortune, Gwyneth needed to hire a new CEO for GOOP. In this case, I’m sure CEO stands for “Curator of Expensive Objects”. Obviously, Gwyneth would have loved to have hired herself, but she’s far too busy getting $1200 crushed abalone shell facials in the weekday garden at Castle Goopskull to run a company, so she outsourced. And who was deemed goopy enough to run GOOP? Former Martha Stewart Living CEO Lisa Gersh.

Gersh, a savvy media-industry executive with well over a decade of startup experience, left Stewart’s company early last year, after just six months at the helm, over disagreements with the veteran lifestyle guru about how to expand her business. At Goop, she’ll apply her strategic thinking about marrying content and commerce toward helping Paltrow compete with Stewart and build her own global lifestyle brand.

Oh, I can read between the lines here. First Martha puts on her prison-issued orange jumpsuit (they let her take it home as a souvenir) and word-shanks The Dry One, telling her to step off bitch, because rustic heirloom tomato tarts and perfectly-folded beds are her turf. Then The Dry One starts hanging around the Martha Stewart Living offices like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang in hopes of catching a disgruntled employee, hiring said employee, and learning all of Martha’s secrets. Revenge is a dish best served bland!

Or maybe Gwyneth just hired her because she confused Lisa Gersh for Jami Gertz, who she then confused for Jami’s character in Square Pegs, Muffy B. Tepperman, and she knew she’d never find a more perfectly uptight obnoxious snobby soul sister to run her company. “Peeeeeople! It behooves me to tell you to buy this imported organic cashmere-filtered coconut water!

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