Paula Deen Is A Changed Woman, Y’all!

September 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I should’ve warned you in my headline and I hope it’s not too late, but do not stare directly at the maniacal double twinkle in Paula Deen’s eyes or your soul will emulsify and spend the rest of eternity stuck in her arteries.

After Paula Deen’s Kingdom of Butter crumbled, melted and dripped down into the gutter last year when all that racist stuff she did and said came out, she took her Country Crock tears to Today and delivered a melodramatic, theatrical performance where she cried as though she was auditioning for a novella and painted herself as the martyr of all martyrs. I expected Paula to stick herself to a cross made of mantequilla and sing “The Crucifixion” from Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, the second leg (or is it the third?) of Paula’s national apology tour started up again this morning on Today.

The bald smugness in a Brooks Brothers suit known as Matt Lauer started Paula’s segment by telling viewers that bitches dropped her left and right after she admitted to using the n-word 30 years ago while describing an armed robbery. Matt didn’t mention the stories about how Paula jacked off to the idea of a plantation wedding complete with middle-aged black men in white jackets and how she asked her employees to dress up like Aunt Jemima, etc… etc… Matt only focused on the n-word thing. At the beginning of the interview, Paula told Matt that she shouldn’t have been on Today last year. She should’ve been at home under a doctor’s care. Paula then went on to pimp out her newest comeback project: a subscription-based online network ala Sarah Palin. Paula bought her old shows from The Food Network and threw them up, along with new shit, on her online network.

Matt asked Paula what she’s learned about herself and she didn’t answer the question right away, but she did show us that she hasn’t lost the ability to sell, sell, sell and make that money.

“I’ve learned so much over the year, it’s going to require another book. We are working on a documentary that’s going to air on [my] network because I feel like everybody needs to know the whole entire story.”

Matt snapped at Paula to answer the goddamn question already and she snapped back with, “I’m getting to it. Oh, now I forgot what I was going to say.” What she means is she temporarily forgot the words her damage control reps made her memorize. But Paula remembered them and said this:

“It’s the power of words, I don’t care how old they are, words are so powerful. They can hurt, they can make people happy. Well, my words hurt people. They disappointed people, frankly I disappointed myself. For that, I’m so sorry for the hurt, I caused people because it went deep. People lost their jobs, it went deep into corporate America. I’m here to make people happy, not to bring sadness.”

Translation: “I’m sorry for all the money I lost.”

Paula then brought the melodrama by saying that she’s been through so many traumatic experiences and she’s come through them all like “every woman in the home.” What home? The home for batshit crazies?

Paula’s damage control team really has to do better. If they insist on pushing her out there to apologize again, they should train her better so she doesn’t once again come off as the real victim who has been through so much and has struggled so hard. If Paula Deen hit you with her white Cadillac, she’d jump out and scream, “OH MY GAWD! I’m so sorry! Are you okay, honey?!” Right before you were about to spit out the words, “Actually, my leg is broken,” she’d hug the front bumper of her car and say, “Oh, thank GAWD, you’re okay, honey!”

What I hate most about Paula’s latest interview is that the sound of her saying, “it went deep,” now lives in my head.

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