Jamie Dornan Will Get An Oscar For Playing Christian Grey, So Says Fifty Shades Of Grey’s Screenwriter

Fifty Shades of Grey is going to win Oscars in the same universe where Parasite Hilton is going to sweep the Grammys, Tori Spelling is going to sweet the Emmys, Meryl Streep is going to sweep the Razzies, I’m going to win a Pulitzer for my dedication to writing about dick cheese and Lindsay Lohan is going to win something besides another court date. But Fifty Shades of Shit’s screenwriter, Kelly Marcel, thinks that at the 2016 Oscars, 2015’s Best Actress Oscar winner, January Jones for The Mother Theresa Story, will say the words, “And the Oscar goes to JAMIE DORNAN,” as hell freezes over it starts snowing at Coachella and pigs fly the Kardashians sprout wings. Either Kelly Marcel was just joking or she’s been in the Fifty Shades of Shit world for so long that she’s gone crazy.

E! News says that Kelly took part in a Q&A for DBA’s “An Evening in the Writer’s Room” series in Hollywood last week and she talked about how hard (I bet) it was writing sex scenes for Fifty Shades. Kelly says that she had to describe everything and had to get Anastasia Aluminum Foil to say, “You are my popsicle,” to Christian Grey. I don’t know what that means, but if Christian’s dick melts in Ana’s cooch when he sticks it in, she shouldn’t admit that out loud, because it’s not a compliment. Kelly says that they played that scene really well and Jamie Dornan is really good at playing it hard and soft. I don’t know if she means that he’s really good at being vulnerable and rough or if she means that his dick emotes emotion when it’s hard and when it’s asleep.

Marcel laughed and said, “She says that, ‘You are my popsicle.’ That line went in, it’s genius. They apparently did that scene great. Apparently Jamie is great at being soft and hard at the same time. Which is hard to do for an actor! He’s going to get an Oscar!”

But how does someone translate a “Christian Grey popsicle” on-screen? Marcel explained that scenes had to be very specific and descriptive in the script, adding that she couldn’t just write, “They made love” and move on, making things awkward sometimes.

“I had to actually describe everything! It was really embarrassing when you’re doing studio notes around the table with 12 people,” she said.

If anybody’s going to get an Oscar for Fifty Shades of Mom Jizz it better be the tampon, because it probably gives the most multi-layered performance in that shit.

And if Jamie Dornan does win an Oscar for Fifty Shades, all cameras should focus on Leonard DiCaprio as he deflates when the last bubble of hope slips out of his ass.