Courtney Love Blew Through $27 Million

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Five years ago, Detective Courtney Love and her sidekick Professor Adderall searched the foggy cobblestone streets (read: got all the way high while watching Scooby Doo) for the blatant thieves who stole $30 million in cash and $500 million in property from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Well, after Detective Courtney and Professor Adderall searched under every crack rock and checked every corner of the crack house world, they finally raised their magnifying glasses on the criminal mastermind who lifted millions from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Detective Courtney Love discovered that Detective Courtney Love is the one who took all that money. PLOT TWIST (not really)! If this was an episode of Murder, She Wrote and Jessica Fletcher just announced that it was Courtney Love who used a shovel to scoop out millions of dollars from the checking account of Kurt Cobain’s estate, the camera would pan to everybody in the room slowly combusting inside from SHOCK.

Cracked Out Courtney tells The Daily Mail (via Page Six) that yeah, she burned through $27 million throughout the years, but it’s really not that big of a deal, because it’s not like she made that money and think of all the South Americans who make pennies an hour from cooking up the bad shit that she buys by the truck load. They should call Courtney “madre“! Because Courtney’s brain has melted into a thick puddle of sticky delusion, she thinks that $27 million is only a lifetime of money to people. But Courtney isn’t crying over all those lost millions, because she has enough money to pay her back alley pharmacists, so she’s cool. 

“I lost about $27 million. I know that’s a lifetime of money to most people. But I’m a big girl, it’s rock ’n’ roll, it’s Nirvana money, I had to let it go. I make enough to live on, I’m financially solvent, I focus on what I make now.”a

Courtney claims she lost most of that money in “bad business deals” and “lawsuits” and since I’ve taken the Courtney Love Rosetta Stone course, I can tell you that “bad business deals” and “lawsuits” means “coke” and “crack” in Courtney Love speak. But even though most of that money probably went straight up into Court’s nostrils, she says that coke actually helped her be better with her money.

“I had to run very fast to look after my money and I felt cocaine helped me do that. So I started taking cocaine and that turned into nine months of crack.”

Courtney said a couple of years ago that smoking crack magically transformed her into a mathematical wizard. She was a calculus genius when she had crack running through her veins. I’d still like to see her proof. If you asked Courtney to show you something that proves that she was a regular Sir Isaac Newton while high on crack, she’d pull out a notebook, show you nonsensical doodles of kittens fucking butterflies and say, “See, dude, see, that’s some fucking Good Will Hunting shit.”

This messy ho is right, though. Crack smoke is the magic elixir that can transform anyone into Suze Orman. Just look at the Scrooge McDuck-like vault where Lindsay Lohan keeps all the gold coins she got from the business decisions she made while extra high on crack. (Cut to a stained, tattered Chinese Laundry shoe box which contains an empty bag of coke, a used condom and a profits check for 53 cents from her 6126 leggings line.)

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