David Duchovny And Tea Leoni Are Officially Divorced

August 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Something new I learned today: Tea Leoni didn’t legally quit David Duchovny’s ass years ago after rehab didn’t cure his addiction to pussy and he once again came home smelling like frothy random cooch cream, goat milk mixed with strawberry-scented lube and regrets. I thought they got a divorce a million years ago. I was wrong, because they were married this whole time. But they’re not anymore.

TMZ says that David and Tea haven’t been together since 2011, but they finally got around to legally breaking up. David and Tea “quietly” divorced in June and I’m taking that to mean that they whispered in their lawyer’s conference room while signing the divorce papers. Tea and David behaved like grown ups (instead of like whiny cunts the way most Hollywood couples act when they’re getting a divorce) and they worked all the details out themselves. Their 2 chirruns, 12-year-old Kyd (that’s really his name) and 15-year-old Madelaine, will mostly live with Tea and she and David are sharing legal custody. Since David’s got that X-Files money, he will pay Tea $40k a month in alimony and another $8,333 in child support. David’s also agreed to pay for their kids’ private school, college and summer camp.

Tea and David got married in 1997, but they broke up for a minute in 2008 while he went to rehab to deal with his addiction to porn and punane.

$576,000 a year in spousal and child support and all Tea had to do was be married to David Duchovny for 17 years, birth out two kids and deal with the sound of a “hamster jumping on a Whoopee cushion full of pudding” as he jacked his dick off to porn for hours while she slept next to him?! But then again, Tea and her two kids live on the UWS in Manhattan, so $48,000 a month will pay her mortgage and maaaaaybe two trips to Whole Foods.

The news of David Duchovny’s divorce is a gift to Mulder/Scully shippers who are still keeping hope alive. And of course this shit comes out on Gillian Anderson’s born day. I’m sure David celebrated Gillian’s birthday and his divorce by showing up to her door with a birthday candle stuck in his peen slit. I think I read that in a Mulder/Scully fanfiction once.

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