Beyoncé Is Secretly Shopping For A Manhattan Penthouse, Sans Jay-Z

July 29, 2014 / Posted by:

According to the New York Post, a super-secret source has spilled the beans that Beyoncé is on the hunt for a post-divorce home and is house-hunting on the down-low in Manhattan. The source (her name rhymes with “Stuntyoncé”) says that Beyoncé will be the one to put everything she owns in a box to the left and leaving the 8,309-square foot Tribeca home she shares with Jay-Z, because she’s been quietly looking at a 4,045-square foot Chelsea penthouse all by herself. Normally, Jay-Z makes all the decisions when it comes to property buying (I guess he’s the Drew of their marriage), but he was nowhere to be seen when Bey came to look at the place, which means it’s DEFINITELY for Bey’s weaves only. The source also decided to pour some more salt into the hopeful hearts of Bumble Beys everywhere by adding that the price of the penthouse is definitely more than a clue that it’s not being bought for anyone but Beyoncé:

“There’s no way a $20 million apartment is for her mother or her sister. That would be wildly unlikely.”

Well, yeah, of course it’s not for her sister: it’s a penthouse. Unless Beyoncé also plans to buy all the apartments underneath, gut them, remove all the windows, install some smelly wall-to-wall carpeting and a busted washer/dryer, and fill it with boxes of damp photo albums, old ratty weaves, and expired cans of Beefaroni, then she’s not buying it for her sister.

But I’m so very confused. Normally Beyoncé responds to a Their phony relationship is DEAD rumour by releasing a staged picture of her looking like a Sasha Fierce Betty Draper while holding hands with Blue Ivy and smiling lovingly at her husband. However, today there is no picture; just another rumour. Something’s up…better call Detective Basement Baby to see if she can get to the bottom of it (once she’s done solving the mystery of which rat ate the other half of her dust sandwich).

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