Open Post: Hosted By Paris Hilton Holding A Random Baby

July 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Whoever decided it was a good idea to let the dirty bag of dead crotch crabs known as Paris Hilton hold their newborn should have more than their child taken away. They should be booked into Dumb Fuck General Hospital and have their decision making skills removed and studied by doctors, because only the dumbest of fucks would give their baby to Paris Hilton. Forget about the fact that it could catch a contagious viral infection like Skankfluenza or Wonkitis; do you really want one of your baby’s first memories to be of an obnoxious has-been from 2005 bragging about how she’s now a super-famous DJ in Ibiza?

And yet, a random person still gave their baby to Paris Hilton as she was leaving LAX yesterday. That poor baby. It’s only spent a couple days outside the womb, and already it knows the smell of stale spray-tanner, jizz-breath, and discount drugstore perfume. At least Paris had the foresight to keep her sunglasses on while she was holding him; imagine if he’d seen her wonk-eye up close? That’s the kind of shit you require years of therapy for.

The only other reason I can see for someone willingly handing their baby over to Paris Hilton is if the mother’s name is Rosemary and the child’s father is Lucifer. “Er…are you sure you want to give it to her? Maybe we could give it to a Kardashian or something?” – Lucifer.

Pics: Splash

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