Open Post: Hosted By Two Florida Blossoms Who Got Caught Trying To Steal A Dude’s Stuff From The Beach

The Rhubarb Lady’s Florida cousins have been found! But instead of snatching rhubarb, they’re snatching canopies. No Florida beach is safe.

A man named Rich says that he was enjoying the Fourth of July holiday at New Smyrna Beach with his family when his kids got the tireds and needed naps. Rich decided to leave their tent canopy, boogie boards, chairs and toys on the beach and walk his kids to the house they were staying at which was a block away. Rich tells Gawker that he was gone for about an hour and a half and when he came back, he found a lady in a red tankini and another lady in an orange shirt trying to thieve his shit. Rich played with them for a little while and after they tell him that it’s their stuff and they’re having trouble breaking it down, he let them know that the stuff they’re trying to snatch belongs to his family. The Thelma & Louise of the Land’s End set did what a Lohan would do in that situation. They played dumb and put on their best “HUH?” face.

They went back and forth with Rich and when he finally told them to step away from his shit, Red Tankini went from dumb Golden Retriever to Cujo and told him to stop recording her or she’ll take that camera “and put it in the grass.” “Put it in the grass” sounds like the iPhone auto-correction version of “Shove it up your ass.” Rich tells Gawker that he didn’t mean to stop recording and I wish he didn’t stop recording, because Red Tankini spit out another priceless line:

What followed was pure gold. I continued to back up as we went around the canopy frame. In the most bizarre moment she gnashed her teeth, lunging at me with an open palm and said, “I’ll grab your dick!” I appreciated the offer but didn’t feel the chemistry was there.

The two then said they needed to call “Pat”, which may or may not have been the androgynous SNL character. He or she was going to apparently clarify what they were doing with my stuff. Lady in Red said, “We need to get a phone, but not his. His phone is tainted.” They then scurried off towards the parking lot.

Those two Floridian angels would’ve gotten away with it if they quoted their cousin The Rhubarb Lady and said, “Beach property, bitch! Beach property!”

So a lady in a red tankini with David Spade hair tried to steal a canopy on a beach and when she got caught she threatened to give the dude a violent handjob? Sorry, Orange Blossom, you’ve had a good run, but Florida has a new official state flower.