Beyoncé Knocked Oprah From The Top Spot On The Forbes 100 Celebrity List

June 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Somewhere in Montecito, CA there’s a terrified-looking Stedman frantically running around a Starbucks trying to order $3 million dollars worth of chai tea lattes and screaming at a barista: “I’ll take whatever you’ve got! This is important, GODDAMNIT! Is this all of it here in the SALE bin? Ring it up faster!” before collapsing to the floor and rocking back and forth in the fetal position chanting: “There’s still time…there’s still time…it’s okay….Oprah won’t be too mad…”. Poor Stedman. Forbes magazine released their annual 100 Richest Assholes List (aka the Celebrity 100) today, and his boo Oprah was knocked from her spot at #1 by lifelike android chanteuse Beyoncé. Even worse, Her Majesty Oprah didn’t even get a seat at the exclusive Top 3 Table: instead, Forbes handed Oprah a tray and a bundle of plastic cutlery and told her there was a #4 spot and a stale chicken souvlaki waiting for her in the food court with the rest of the losers. Here’s the Top 10:

1. Beyoncé ($115 million)
2. LeBron James ($72 million)
3. Dr. Dre ($620 million – gold diggers everywhere just peed a little)
4. Oprah ($82 million)
5. Ellen DeGeneres ($70 million)
6. Jay-Z ($60 million)
7. Floyd Mayweather ($105 million)
8. Rihanna ($48 million)
9. Katy Perry ($40 million)
10. Robert Downey Jr. ($75 million)

The Forbes Celebrity 100 measures both fame and money, so while Yawncé didn’t make the most money, her massive ego fame makes up for it and put her at #1. Likewise, Oprah made a good chunk of money, but the former golden goose did nothing but lay coke-filled shit eggs this year. But it doesn’t matter, because this list is clearly inaccurate! The real Celebrity 100 Top 1o should read as follows:

1. The Hammaconda ($106 trillion in broken hearts)
2. Bruce Jenner (you can’t put a dollar value on exquisite beauty)
3. Anderson Cooper ($65 million)
4. Britney Jean Spears ($30 million in Velveeta)
5. That Bat Boy-looking kid from the Marlins Fan Cam ($20 million)
6. Saint Angie ($104 billion in angel dollars)
7. La Croix coconut soda (it’s the Champale of canned waters)
8. Mariah’s photoshop artiste (still waiting to get paid)
9. Purin the beagle ($30 million)
10. Princess RiRi’s nipples ($40/hour)

You’re right, I made a mistake – The Hammaconda should be numbers 1 through 100.

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