One Of The Duggar Daughters Got Married, Brace Yourselves For The 10,000 Kids She’s Going To Have

June 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above making a “YAS! I finally get to fuck!” face, the second oldest Duggar daughter, 23-year-old Jill Duggar, married her boyfriend Derick Dillard in Springdale, Arkansas yesterday. May her transformation into a non-stop fetus machine begin and that dude in the blue shirt knows we’re all about to drown in another mountain of Duggar babies.

Up until yesterday, Jill and Derick were only allowed to do the Christian side hug, because premarital crotch-touching fuels Lucifer’s evilness, and so they kissed and front-hugged for the first time in front of their 1,000 guests (half of which probably came out of Michelle Duggar’s popcorn popper pussy at one point or another). I haven’t watched an episode of 19 Kids and Counting in forever, because Michelle Duggar’s monotone baby voice gives me night terrors, but I may watch the episode that features Jill Duggar’s wedding for their first kiss alone. Jill and her new husband’s first kiss probably looked a lot like this “one zombie bird passing chewed-up human brains to another zombie bird” horror show:


Jill told People that her and Derick’s first kiss was everything and more:

As the couple departed the reception in a vintage pickup filled with balloons and decorated with the message “Just Married” printed on the rear window, the crowd started chanting, “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!” and the newlyweds obliged.

The couple had saved their very first kiss for the moment they became man and wife – and the new Mrs. Dillard tells PEOPLE it is all working out.

“It was worth the wait,” she tells PEOPLE, beaming and grasping her new husband’s hand.

I’m sure she wasn’t grasping his hand. But of course the kiss was everything and more. A kiss with her own hand would’ve been everything and more. Poor Jill couldn’t even practice kissing with the back of a brush unless she went out on at least 12 supervised dates with that hairbrush and married it in front of GOD.

People says that 1,000 guests traveled from 30 states to watch Derick burn a hole in his chonies and pants by busting out the Halley’s Comet of jizz loads when he kissed Jill for the first time. You’d think that these two wouldn’t have a reception since Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar would want them to get to the baby-making action right away, but they did have a reception. Michelle tells People that the dessert tables at the reception were covered with 600 cupcakes, 3,000 chocolate chip cookies and 3,000 root beer floats, all made by volunteers (aka Michelle and Jim Bob’s daughters). Michelle didn’t tell People what she gave Jill and Derick for a wedding gift, but I heard she gave them the white sheet with a hole in it that she and Jim Bob used on their wedding night.

Anyway, congratulations to Jill and if she’s going to follow in her mother’s footsteps clown car tracks, condolences to her uterus.

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