At the Hollywood premiere of Disney’s kinder and gentler Maleficent, the Ukrainian “prankster” (read: asshole) who is a stubborn crab on Hollywood’s crotch jumped the barricade and got on Brad Pitt’s Burt-Reynolds-in-Boogie-Nights looking ass. Everyone said that Vitalii Sediuk punched Brad in the face and broke his 70s porn producer glasses. Jennifer Aniston raised a tequila shot and toasted to the Ukraine when she heard that. But in a statement of words to People, Brad says that Vitalii tried to do to him what he did to Bradley Cooper and Leonardo DiCatchAHo. Vitalli tried to get a face full of Pitt crotch. Brad punched that trick in the head, because the only thing that gets close to his dick is St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic puss and maybe George Clooney’s greased up hand when he’s stoned.
“I was at the end of the line signing autographs, when out the corner of my eye I saw someone stage-diving over the barrier at me. I took a step back; this guy had latched onto my lapels. I looked down and the nutter was trying to bury his face in my crotch, so I cracked him twice in the back of the head – not too hard – but enough to get his attention, because he did let go. I think he was then just grabbing for a hand hold because the guys were on him, and he reached up and caught my glasses.
I don’t mind an exhibitionist, but if this guy keeps it up he’s going to spoil it for the fans who have waited up all night for an autograph or a selfie, because it will make people more wary to approach a crowd. And he should know, if he tries to look up a woman’s dress again, he’s going to get stomped.”
A judge sentenced Vitalli to 20 days of community service, 36 months probation and he has to stay away from the Staples Center, where the Grammys go down, and the Dolby Theater, where the Oscars go down.
What’s really surprising is that when Vitalli put his face on Brad Pitt’s crotch, he didn’t immediately choke and pass out after inhaling a thick, moist cloud of peen cheese. And may the entire child army slap Brad Pitt’s ass for using the word “selfie.”