Open Post: Hosted By Jehovah’s Sexiest Witness Silently Reading You With His Eyes

I have the eating habits of a Jolie-Pitt child, so I was struck down with that nasty acid reflux shit and it felt like something was stuck in my throat. It felt like I was constantly deep throating the Hammaconda and that feeling will give you the tingles at first, but after a while it becomes really annoying. After every single one of your hippie auntie’s home remedies didn’t work, my doctor temporarily put me on the devil’s drug Nexium. Nexium’s side effects got me feeling like a bunch of abominable snowmen ran a train on me in a walk-in freezer. I’ve got the chills, body aches and my back hurts. But for a brief second, all my aches disappeared and my body froze up when I saw this picture of the regal, bitchy ebony dandelion judging all of the homely simpletons in front of him at the French Tennis Open in Paris today. The purple pill cured me for a second and it’s name isn’t Nexium.

While looking like the middle-aged wife of a traveling pastor in the 70s, Prince reigned over all those hos at the French Open. I don’t know who played, but I do know that Prince won the match. Not pictured are the dozens of peasants who are bowing down and throwing their home address at him, so he can come to their house and teach them the word of Jehovah. They won’t listen to the words coming out of his pretty mouth (mostly because he’s so tiny that the sound of his voice doesn’t travel that far up), but they will find a higher power when they look down and gaze deep into his magnificent afro.

Pics: Splash