Candy Spelling Says She Once Broke Up With A Guy Because Of His Bionic Penis

May 26, 2014 / Posted by:

It sounds like humping on useless dicks runs in the family. In her second memoir Candy at Last (couldn’t she have thought of something punnier, like Candy-tails of My Life? Ugh, LAZY) Beverly Hills most glamorous hutt Candy Spelling admits that shortly after her husband Aaron Spelling died in 2006, she began seeing a man named Larry. Unfortunately, the NY Daily News says she had to stop seeing Larry because Larry had a “penile implant” (just writing that gave me the heaves) and refused to power down his android dick. WARNING: I advise you to grab a trash can or a barf bag before reading the next part:

“My bionic man could go on for five or six hours, and there is no woman, middle-aged or otherwise, who wants to have sex for that long. It was like running a marathon.”

She broke up with Mr. “Pump and Dump,” as her girlfriends had cheekily nicknamed him, because he was “getting too attached,” and she just couldn’t stand “those six-hour romps anymore.”

I hear what Candy is saying; no matter how good the dick is, a lack of sleep can fuck with your brain. One time I went two days without so much as a nap and I ended up buying a pair of Crocs, and I wasn’t even getting my judgement pounded out of me through my snatch either. So I can only imagine what kind of next-level questionable shit an exhausted Candy did after breaking up with Larry and his 6 hour dick. She strikes me as the type who would leave unsettling boozy voicemails at 3am.“What the crap, Candy? Stop calling! I’ve got enough Extra Crispy at home, I don’t need any Original Recipe. Besides, I’m more of an In-N-Out guy. YES! Fuckin’ nailed it, Deaner! But seriously, stop calling. Keep it sleazy Mama S.”The Deaner.

Pic: Splash

Our commenting rules: Don't be racist or bigoted, or get into long-ass fights, or go way off topic when not in an Open Post. Also, promoting adblockers, your website, or your forum is not allowed. And some comment threads will be pre-moderated, so it may take a second for your comment to show up if it's approved.

alt="drupal analytics" >