Don’t Piss Off Amber Heard Or She’ll Go “Trailer Park” On You

May 23, 2014 / Posted by:

FINALLY, some recognition that being a shameless gold digger is a skill worthy of the “triple threat” label. Who cares if you’re equally good at singing and acting and tippity-tapping? Real skill is claiming to be an actress and model while slowly creeping your way closer to those Jack Sparrow-scented Johnny Depp dollars. Get it, you triple threat trick!

Future gold digger hall-of-famer Amber Heard is in the June/July issue of W Magazine (W stands for Why, right?) looking like a budget Rooney Mara and in between humble-bragging about how obsessed people are with her (“I’ve always had a love life that seemed particularly salacious to some people.” Really? You think so, eh? Okay) and how she’s the Lady Gaga of acting (“I don’t imagine myself, my work, or my life, fitting into any kind of standardized path”) she said that even though she’s a fancy Hollywood type on the outside, inside she’s a Cheeto-eating Dew-chugging potential Maury guest at heart:

“Whenever my old friends meet someone I’m involved with romantically, they immediately warn them: ‘She may look refined, but when she’s angry, she can go trailer park really fast.’”

Now might be a fun time to remind you that Amber grew up in Austin, TX with two employed parents who sent her to private school, so really, the closest she ever got to a trailer park is her name (no offense to the Trailer Park Ambers of this great country). And she says “trailer park” like it’s a bad thing; please pull up a lawn chair and have several seats. I know trailer parks and I know trash, and some of the trashiest fight-hungry bitches I knew growing up were from the “fancy” part of town (which in my town just meant you had three cars in the driveway and all of them worked). And I don’t know what’s funnier: that this rich bitch thinks she’s undercover trailer trash or that her friends think she “looks refined” (ease up on the ass-kissing, friends, she doesn’t have Johnny Depp’s money yet).

Here’s more of Amber “Who ate all mah Skoal?!?” Heard in W modelling slightly fancier underwear than what she modelled in NBC’s The Playboy Club.

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