The Crystal Enchantress Of The Ice Is At It Again

The last time I farted something up about Johnny Weir and his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-again husband Victor Voronov, they were on again and then off again. Since then, they’ve continued to be on and off and continued to make the winter wonderland swans squirt out dull rhinestone tears of disappointment by being absolute messy, violent, trashy wrecks. Well, the winter wonderland swans are still crying, because over the weekend Johnny Weir allegedly attacked Victor again.

TMZ says that on Saturday night at their home in New Jersey, The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice got one scratch closer to becoming The Crystal Enchantress of the Cell Block when he allegedly scratched and slapped Victor after reading some shit he didn’t like on Victor’s cellphone. Victor went to the police the next day to report that mess and showed them pictures of the scratches. Victor only wanted to report the attack and wasn’t interested in keeping Johnny away with an emergency restraining order. A source (Hi, Victor!) tells TMZ that Johnny went through Victor’s phone and found some test messages where Victor talked shit about him. Victor claims he wrote the texts months ago and wrote them while they were going through a messy break-up.

Victor ran his ass over to Inside Edition and after he collected a cashiers check from them, he spilled his side of Saturday night’s scratch down.

“I was terrified. He was red. I said, if you don’t leave me alone, I will call the police. He would not leave me alone. So I had my phone; I was trying to call the police. So he attacked me to get the phone out of my hand.”

Here’s one of the scratches that Johnny allegedly gave Victor (Side question: Is that shaped like a broken heart or like a dead moth?):

These two messes have a history of Ike Turner-ing each other. Johnny Weir had to go to court in March for biting Victor during a fight and Johnny claimed in an interview with Access Hollywood that Victor has punched him several times.

We all know how this is going to go. They’re going to make up, renew their vows, get into another fight about some dumb shit, scratch at each other, file another police report, cry about it on Inside Edition and so and so and so on. They should both permanently have a seat in separate corners, because you know shit is past the point of no return when you make the Knowles-Carters look functional by comparison.

And in happy gay news, we can all get married in Oregon now! Let’s grow beards and toast to that with an artisanal beer!