Shailene Woodley, the human healing crystal in budget Jennifer Lawrence drag, was on Jimmy Kimmel Live! Thursday night to hustle the movie that she got a Kate Gosselin chop-job for (The Fault in Our Stars, which sounds a lot like a band who’s merch can be found in the clearance racks at Hot Topic). We already know that Shailene gathers her drinking water from puddles, lays out with her uncovered crotch in the air, and smells like the gross bench at the bus station, but now she says she’s given her house to her Grandma and has nearly completed her transition to full-on hobo:
“I was only home for 15 days last year and I got home and I was like, ‘I don’t want to be alone. I want to be with my friends and family. So, I got rid of everything just so I could have one suitcase that would be easy to transport between houses and just kind of couch surf for a few months. But it’s so refreshing and it takes so much stress away when you’re like, ‘Ugh, I only have one pair of jeans to wash.’ It’s so nice.”
Nice for you, maybe, but not for the people who’s couches you’re sleeping on. Everyone has that one friend or cousin who thinks they’re bohemian as shit because they were ~so brave~ by leaving their apartment (evicted for too many ferrets) and quitting their job (fired for getting caught masturbating at Jamba Juice) to live free and find their spirit (sponge off their friends) until its discovered they’ve given everyone in the house head lice and eaten all the Wheat Thins.
And maybe Shailene isn’t as annoying or gross as this hypothetical person, but there’s no reason for her to be couch surfing because bitch be rich. She got that bobo Hunger Games money! Her friends better be charging her for shit. I mean, I would. “Ooh sorry, water is $200 a glass. Don’t like it? Tell your agent to book you a suite at the Four Seasons next time.”