When America’s coolest girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence fell on the red carpet at the Academy Awards this year, 99.9999% of us rolled one eye onto the other to signal the birth of another great moment in Hollywood stunt queen history. But it sounds like our bitchy eyeballs might owe Jennifer Lawrence an apology for throwing her shade, because when she ate shit on the red carpet, it might not have been intentional. According to Us Weekly, Jennifer admitted on a taping of Late Night With Seth Meyers that she had a major case of the drunks on Oscar night. Stars, they’re just like us!
JLaw did her best impression of a badass 10th grader who never shows up on time for 3rd period social studies by telling Seth Meyers that she was so “wasted” at the Oscars this year, she covered the stairs at Madonna’s after-party with booze-soaked pizza chunks. The only person to catch her doing so was Miley Cyrus, who walked by and told her to “Get it together, girl”. When a freon-huffing panty-eating possum tells you to “Get it together”, it’s time to drop what you’re doing and call Iyanla to fix your life.
I’m sure some people will be clutching their pearls and wagging their finger at JLaw for trivializing the institution of the Academy Awards by getting right ripped and blowing chunks, but this feels like a low-level offence to me. Honestly, who of us hasn’t ever gotten next-level hammered to pass the time at a boring party? Exactly. Besides, this is Hollywood; getting drunk at the Oscars and hurling all over the stairs at an after party is nooooothing, especially after hearing about the pool parties at Brian Singer’s house. The bar for obscene tinseltown debauchery has been raised, Jennifer Lawrence; get back to me when you’ve got a story about you, Billy Ray Cyrus, and Wilson the Monkey snorting 2lbs of coke out of Bradley Cooper’s butthole in a washroom stall at the People’s Choice Awards.