Miley Cyrus Has Postponed The Remainder Of Her US Tour Until August

After coming down with a case of the sicks and spending most of the week humping on bowls of jello and IV poles, Miley Cyrus was forced to temporarily hang up her bedazzled crotch-suffocating thongs and cancel several of her shows. And now the Associated Press has been told by Miley’s rep (an enchanted box of off-brand Shake n’ Bake) that she’s still recovering, which means that all of her upcoming US shows have been postponed. So, sad news for everyone who had planned on celebrating Easter Week by watching a slutty squirrel mark her territory by rubbing her rodent parts all over the hood of a car (it’s what Jesus would have wanted, right?)

The rep went on to say that Miley will resume her US tour on August 1st by playing seven rescheduled shows and two additional stops, and that her illness hasn’t impacted her European tour, which begins in a little less than two weeks. You hear that Europe? You have less than two weeks to prepare yourselves for Miley’s aggressively antibiotic-resistant viruses.

And Miley’s probably not the only one taking some time off to recuperate; I’m sure there’s a whole floor of the ICU dedicated to treating the antibiotics that survived after being flushed from her system.

“I was told we were just going in to clear up a sinus infection. But once we entered her body, my god, most of us were totally unprepared for what we saw. The viruses, the questionable strains of yeast. I saw my best friend die in a pool of rancid jizz. Even the strongest of us were freaking out.” – One of the survivors

I heard most of them were being treated for PTSD and various rashes. Sad. Get well soon, antibiotics.

Pic: Splash