Two “Real Housewives” Became Actual Wives Yesterday

Because the divorce rate in America isn’t going to raise on its damn own, two Real Housewives (well, technically, one Real Housewife and one displaced Real Housewives refugee) started their journey to divorce (served in a terrine of bitterness) yesterday by getting married. Kandi Burruss of Xscape and The Real Housewives of Atlanta married gold digging opportunist (copyright: Mama Joyce) Todd Tucker in Atlanta and the malnourished llama Taylor Armstrong, formerly of The Real PlasticWives of Beverly Hills, earned another gold digging medal of achievement when she married lawyer  John Bluher (which is what a free clinic doctor writes next to “reason” on the medical file of a trick who came in with pus-filled warts all over her coochie lips after John Mayer gave her oral).

CNN says that Kandi married her boyfriend of a few years Todd Tucker after being engaged to him for a year. (Side note: Before you say, “The hell why is CNN covering this?“, be thankful that at least they’re covering this instead of recreating the Malaysia Airlines flight with Micro Machines.) Reality Tea says that as far as they know, only Porsha Stewart and Phaedra Parks were at the wedding. I guess Mama Joyce didn’t bum rush Todd and tackle him to the floor when the officiant asked if anyone objected. I’m sure Mama Joyce was truly happy for Kandi and while her daughter danced with Todd, she serenaded them with her muffled screams while she was tied down to a chair with a napkin stuffed in her mouth. I can’t wait to see that beautiful and touching moment when Bravo eventually airs it.

And in California, Taylor Armstrong made porny-named John Bluher her second husband during a ceremony at the Bel Air Bay Club in the Pacific Palisades. UsWeekly says that 120 guests including the morally corrupt Faye Resnick, Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump watched as Taylor’s baboon butt lips attacked her new husband’s mouth after they were married. Taylor and John met in 2011 when she hired him after her estranged husband Russell Armstrong killed himself. So out of tragedy came a shameless book and a new husband. You go, Taylor, I guess.

Taylor’s wedding was planned by David Tutera and cameras were present, so I’m assuming it’s going to be on My Fair Wedding. I couldn’t find any pictures of David Tutera, but that’s probably because he was tending to more important behind-the-scene details like fucking a man hooker in the bathroom.

Pics: Splash