Well Well Well: Tori Spelling Has Pimped Out Her Marriage Crisis For A Reality Show

March 31, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under both Not Surprising and Bitch Needs Money (and let’s create a folder called Not Surprising That This Bitch Needs Money to save time in the future). According to People, Tori Spelling has decided that the best way to repair her marriage to the Patron Saint of Grab Ass, Dean “Naw baby, that ain’t herpes” McDermott is to let a film crew follow them around. Six 1-hour long episodes of True Tori will begin airing April 22nd on Lifetime and will feature the struggle between Tori, the Deaner, and his wandering peener.

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to ask someone to repeat the description of True Tori to me once more; I was unable to hear it the first time due to the deafening sound of Tori forcing the feet of her marriage into a pair of too-tight hooker heels and pushing it from a moving car onto the ho stroll. Clickety- clack, bitch, clickety-clack!

Even though it’s called True Tori, everything about this show will be a homemade piñata covered with glitter glue and stuffed with LIES. Luckily, I’ve been hard at work creating this handy Tori Translator to make everything Tori says a little bit easier to understand:

“We’re not broke” = Quick! Turn off the cameras, I think I hear the real estate agent coming
“I’m committed to this marriage” = Candy Spelling hasn’t returned any of my calls
“I still love Dean” = I can’t find a law firm to sponsor my divorce

And personally, I hope there’s a companion piece to True Tori called Deaner Diaries, where a film crew follows the Deaner as he tries to repair his broken marriage by trying to get with every Hooters girl and cocktail waitress in Southern California. It will be like the Deaner’s version of The NeverEnding Story, but instead of riding Falcor, he rides a giant bottle of penicillin. The NeverEnding Whore-y!

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