Here’s A Story About A Woman Named Cameo Crispi Who Tried To Burn Her Ex-Piece’s House Down With Bacon

March 28, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under: If Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes was born a crazy white woman from Utah.

KSL reports that the crispy beauty above is 31-year-old Cameo Adawn Crispi¬†(Side note: I hate throwing puns so early in the post, but Cameo Adawn Crispi is truly a hot name. With a name like that, she should’ve been the member of an R&B girl group from the 80s) and she was busted by the cops in Naples, UT after she broke into her ex-boyfriend’s house and tried to burn that bitch down with a pound of bacon. Vanilla Ice just fell in love.

Cameo Crispi’s ex-boyfriend called the cops on March 14th, because she kept burning up his phone with calls and texts and he wanted her to stop. He wasn’t home at the time and he was afraid she was going to go to his house. When the cops showed up to his house, Cameo Crispi was there and they noticed that she was plastered and smoke was coming out of the front door. They went into the house and found the deadly deliciousness cooking on the stove. The officer wrote in his report:

“I asked to come in and observed a wood stove left open with a fire burning inside and hot coals on the floor around the stove. I observed the burner to be on the setting ‘High’ and the bacon to be severely burned and smoking badly.”

The officer turned off the gas stove, put out the fire and arrested Miss Crispi’s ass. They took her to the hospital before taking her to the police station, because she blew a 0.346 on a breathalyzer. She was charged with arson, burglary, assault by a prisoner, interfering with an arresting officer, electronic communication harassment and intoxication. Miss Crispi admitted to the cops that she wanted to burn her ex’s house down to get back at him for doing her wrong. She’s due in court next month.

0.346?!!!! Yes, I know White Oprah considers 0.346 “a slow night,” but most people would find it hard to operate a gas stove while the feeling in their hands is completely gone. But being drunk is the perfect defense for cooking a pound of bacon. Miss Crispi should’ve never admitted to trying to burn her dude’s house down. Because she could’ve told the judge that she had a few dozen cocktails and wanted some bacon. The judge would’ve understood and immediately dismissed her case, because everybody knows that eating bacon while wasted is like getting your salad tossed by an angel. There’s nothing like it.

With that being said, Miss Crispi should get the death penalty for destroying all that bacon.

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