It’s Looking Like Chris Brown Might Pay His Way Out Of Jail

When Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for violating the rules (is there anything he won’t violate?) and was sent to prison, I did a little jig to thank the universe for finally holding him accountable for his actions and putting his ass in an orange jumpsuit of justice. But it looks like jail is too hard for Boo Hoo Brown and he’s gone crying to his lawyers to get him out. Really? Lil’ Babyface Boo Hoo Brown can’t handle pwison? Sadly, it looks like baby might get what baby wants.

According to TMZ, you have one more reason to shake your fist at the universe (don’t shake your ass, I’ve discovered it gets you nowhere). While people like you and I can barely sniffle or slut our way out of a speeding ticket, wealthy assholes like Boo Hoo Brown are able to pay their way out of jail. Boo Hoo was supposed to be killing time in the pokey till his assault trial on April 23rd, but sources say that his lawyer Mark Geragos has contacted the dude he assaulted in DC and has offered to back a dump truck full of cash into his driveway. Because money is delicious, the victim will probably take the cash, tell the judge he’s no longer interested in pursuing a criminal case, then bingo-bango, that Boo Hoo Bitch is out of jail.

But once he gets out, he’ll probably end up back on the inside again, since things on the outside are shitty enough for him to rage punch the closest soft surface. His Barbadian birthday cake bottom bitch RiRi is currently unavailable for snatch-snuggling because she’s busy picking out boring shit like towels and throw pillows at Bed Bath & Beyond with Wheelchair Jimmy. And he can’t go back to his backup benchwarmer piece, Kruncheberry Tran, who’s allegedly broken up with him again because he would’t stop texting everything with a vagina.

“Why does my mobile phone keep receiving pictures of a skinny brown pool noodle?” – Chris Brown’s 1st grade Sunday School teacher, Agnes Franklin.