Let us all pull out our pink satin handkerchiefs and wipe the tears that trickle down our cheeks as Johnny Weir put on his rhinestone-encrusted divorcin’ catsuit and solemnly skates a goodbye ice waltz to the husband he bit during a messy fight last January. The swans are sorrowfully howling into the air today (or maybe that sound is my tone deaf neighbor once again loudly singing that annoying Frozen song) and every rhinestone has temporarily lost its sparkle, because the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice has filed for divorce from his husband Victor Voronov. It is a sad and tragic day when the love between a biting icicle and a Russian goes numb and dies like my b-hole whenever I see Johnny Weir in coochie cutters. The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice tweeted this tweet of sadness right before he adjusted his crotch jewels to make sure they sit up real nice in the Chanel leggings he’s going to wear to catch him husband #2.
It is with great sadness that I announce that my husband and I are no longer together. My heart hurts, and I wish him well.
Johnny told Access Hollywood that he’s had the sads for a long time and realized that the only answer to their marriage woes is to get a great big gay divorce. Access Hollywood also says that Johnny and Victor don’t have a prenup. They got married on New Year’s Eve in 2011.
I don’t know Victor’s financial situation and I don’t know if he’s going to try get his hands on any of Johnny’s, but if he is, then he better put on a suit of armor, hold on tight to a crucifix and have an ambulance on standby. Because if Johnny bites during a fight, imagine what that bitch will do when Victor tries to snatch away his precious pink-dyed panda fur coat, his yellow CZ tiara headband and his ostrich feather shrug. We’re all shivering at the thought.