Finally, another human on earth other than Ryan Seacrest gets to taste the sweet leche that Simon Cowell’s Horizon Organic tits produce. That baby knows where the good good is.
Lucifer’s minions have frozen clits ever since the Polar Vortex hit Hell when Simon Cowell became somebody’s father on Friday. Simon and his gold digging piece Lauren Silverman didn’t waste any time and gave out pictures of their newborn son to the media over the weekend. Simon and Lauren (and by “Simon and Lauren” I mean “Simon alone“) named their son Eric after his dad. Yes, Simon Cowell will always be Simon Cowell’s favorite person on earth, but maybe Baby Eric is now his second favorite person on earth. No, actually, I think Simon Cowell’s second favorite person on earth is who ever makes those v-neck t-shirts that make his titties look like two apple dumplings cooling on a windowsill. But whatever, Baby Eric doesn’t care, because he’s found his own personal heaven and his own personal heaven is Simon Cowell’s furry chest calzones.