Call Olivia Pope! President Obama And Beyonce Are Doing It, So Says A French Paper

File this under: Obama and Beyonce fanfic written by Beyonce.

In totally real and not-at-all made up news, the French newspaper le Figaro (via Jezebel) reported this morning that there’s a good explanation for why Beyonce always beams from her face at President Obama like he’s a pile of virgin Indian hair or like he’s a picture of Beyonce: they’re fucking on each other. A French photographer named Pascal Rostain (which I’m pretty sure is French for “Michelle Williams In Need Of A Quick Check“) tells le Figaro that Beyonce is the Marilyn Monroe to Obama’s JFK and that The Washington Post is going to break this ESCANDALOSONESS tomorrow. When I ran a piece of le Figaro’s article through Google Translate (from French Bullshit into English Bullshit) this came out:

This morning, the paparazzi Pascal Rostain invited the largest direct media on Europe 1, supported this rumor by saying that the American press ( Washington Post in this case) would report tomorrow Tuesday a ” affair ” between Barack Obama and Beyoncé. “You know, at this time, the United States , there is something big that is happening ,” said he explained to micro Jean- Marc Morandini. Moreover, it will come out tomorrow in the Washington Post. We can not say that it is the gutter press, a supposed connection between President Barack Obama and Beyoncé. I can assure you that the world will talk . “

France’s Gala magazine picked up this story and added another layer of manufactured messiness to it. They also say that Beyonce is the First Side Piece of America and Obama and Michelle Obama are getting a divorce soon. Pascal Rostain continued to mouth shit out more hilariousness:

“There are [photographs and] television images of the Obamas [in which they are] a little distant. Just because it’s a rumor doesn’t mean that one should not go into the field to check. We should not forget Marilyn [Monroe] or Monica Lewinsky. You can be the president of the first world power — that doesn’t make you any less a man.”

HipHollywood points out that some hos are throwing a side-eye at this shit because of the timing. French President Francois Hollande is meeting with Obama in the US this week and he’s currently going through a scandal of his own. Hollande cheated on his girlfriend Valérie Trierweiler by passing his peen to French actress Juliet Gayet for two years.

The Washington Post has already said that they aren’t running a story about Obama having an affair with Sasha Home Wrecker.

Thank you to the French, once again, for showing hos how gossip is truly done. If you’re going to lie, lie big. Basement Baby just poured herself a second cup of lukewarm moth tea and is having the kiki of all kikis with the basement mice and her dusty Destiny’s Child dolls. This is pretty ridiculous since Beyonce thinks she’s the Queen of Every Universe and would never lower herself to the position of First Side Piece, but I still love le Figaro for giving me the image of Michelle Obama sniffing Obama’s dick for the scent of wig glue and a Maya Angelou poem.