Miley Cyrus, Like, Hates Kids, Is Like Really Punk Rock And Like, Thinks The Haters Are, Like, Jealous Of Her

Seen above on the cover of W Magazine looking like a shaved albino pug in drag as Madge circa 1990, Miley Cyrus talked to Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra’s spawn Ronan Farrow about deep stuff like haters, kids, the importance of water, weed, aliens, being punk rock and Instagram. I’ve never huffed paint out of a paper bag while banging my head against a hard surface, but if I did, the inside of my head would probably melt the same way it did while I read Miley’s interview. My one barely working brain cell tried to hold on, but it eventually gave in and died with the rest of them.  If Ronan interviewed the dirty water in Miley’s bong, he would’ve gotten better answers than this:

On how she doesn’t like kids because she always around kids when she was a kid: “I don’t love kids. I don’t love them because, I mean, I think I was around too many kids at one point—because I was around a lot of kids.”

On how Instagram has turned every ho into a pap: “I think with, like, Instagram, Twitter, whatever, everyone is a paparazzi now. How scary is that? Like, you’re never safe.”

On how growing up on a farm in Tennessee practically turned her into a nudist: “We never were inside, and we never wore shoes. I think it’s why I like wearing no clothes so much and I’m always naked.”

On how she’s really punk rock: “I just don’t get what half the girls are wearing. Everyone to me seems like Vanna White. I’m trying to tell girls, like, ‘Fuck that. You don’t have to wear makeup. You don’t have to have long blonde hair and big titties. That’s not what it’s about. It’s, like, personal style.’ I like that I’m associated with sexuality and the kind of punk-rock shit where we just don’t care. Like Madonna or Blondie or Joan Jett—Jett’s the one that I still get a little shaky around. She did what I did in such a crazier way. I mean, girls then weren’t supposed to wear leather pants and, like, fucking rock out. And she did.”

On how people saying that she’s the pop queen of cultural appropriation are just jealous: “I don’t give a shit. I’m not Disney, where they have, like, an Asian girl, a black girl, and a white girl, to be politically correct, and, like, everyone has bright-colored T-shirts. You know, it’s like, I’m not making any kind of statement. Anyone that hates on you is always below you, because they’re just jealous of what you have.”

On guys: “Guys watch too much porn.”

On Kenya: “Kenya’s my dream. Kenya is my total dream. I wish I wasn’t going to be in Minneapolis next week, I wish I could be in Kenya.”

On how she thinks she’s Blanche from A Streetcar Named Desire: “I’m Blanche to a T, complete psycho. Every time I watched her. I was always like, ‘That’s me!’ ”

On the good shit: “I love weed. I just love getting stoned. I just want it to be back to where it’s, like, organic, good weed.”

On aliens: “Well, my older brother is obsessed with all those documentaries that have been banned. My brother’s convinced it’s the government not wanting us to know about aliens because the world would just, like, freak out—”

On water: “I think water’s, like, a really important thing”

When I was in the 7th grade, I hated school and wanted to stay out of class as much as possible, so I became a peer counselor. If a student had a problem and didn’t want to talk to an adult about it, they’d go see a peer counselor. I mostly just used my position as a peer counselor to pull my friends out of class so we could talk about nothing while giving each other Sharpie tattoos. But one time I got a student who had an actual problem. She told me she was misunderstood and felt like she never fit in, because she cared about world issues and was more intelligent than all of her stupid friends. She gave me an example and her example was (I’m not making this up): “Like, California is always having droughts and stuff and we’re going to run out of water. I tell my friends to stop drinking water and drink Snapple instead and they laugh at me.” So now I know that student grew up to be Miley’s former homeschool teacher or her weed dealer or both.