When You Get That Many Kids Together It’s Considered A Daycare, Not A Club

January 31, 2014 / Posted by:

You know things are bad when Miley Cyrus is giving you life advice that makes sense.

During an appearance Thursday night on The Tonight Show, Miley was asked by Mac Tonight’s half-brother, Jay Leno, if there was any advice she’d give to her long-lost twin sister, Tuff Toddler. Miley could write a book with all her freon-huffing folksy wisdom (Chapter 7: A Squirrel In The Hand Is Worth Two Twerks In The Bush, Y’all) so imagine my surprise when she answered his question with something rational, reasonable, and – shock of all shockers – smart:

“You’ve got a lot of money. Pay people to make sure you don’t get in trouble, and party at your house. Buy a house, and add a club to it.”

She also went on to say that her fans can keep waiting for a Miley Mugshot (which would no doubt be taken at the Walmart portrait studio) because she’s not doing anything illegal. Well, technically it’s not illegal to expose your grime-covered tongue in public, but it should be (write your congressman).

As much shade as I normally throw Miley – and I throw so much, my driver’s license picture is a palm tree – I have to shake my head in agreement with her. Justin should be trying to hide his bad kid antics like every other underage kid does: getting drunk off a bottle of Malibu in the laundry room with their friends, smoking salvia out of an empty 7UP can in the backyard behind the shed, or trying to fuck on the low in the crawlspace on top of a storage bin filled with Legos. And he should be paying someone to watch his ass, because he’s proven so many times in the past two weeks that he’s not grown up enough to be left on his own. What Justin needs is a baby sitter to make sure he doesn’t try to drive the car or throw eggs at the neighbor’s house, and with all his money, he can afford the very best (personally, I’d recommend either Kristy Thomas or Claudia Kishi).

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