Who Hasn’t Drunkenly Fapped In The Middle Of The Street After Crashing Into A Crown Fried Chicken?

Paula Deen, Guy Fieri and Brit Brit will all swear to you that you haven’t truly lived life to the fullest of fullest until you’ve pulled all your panties down in front of a Crown Fried Chicken and rubbed yourself while inhaling the delicious scent of fried chicken skins and spicy fries. This dude knows what they’re talking about. On Monday morning in Philadelphia, a bunch of people said to themselves, “Oh, I guess , George Zimmerman is at it again,” when a bald crazy drunk bitch crashed his silver Camry into a Crown Fried Chicken, got out of the car, got naked and put jerk chicken on the menu when he started doing himself in the middle of the street.

Philadelphia Magazine says that at 10:30am on Monday, cops were called to a street corner after three-time DUI-er Vincent Wade from New Jersey crashed his car into a Crown Fried Chicken and then gave everyone a fap show when he started choking his own chicken. After the cops finished pinching their nips at the sight of a delicious drop of deep fried sex shaking his underdone biscuits while jacking off next to a puddle of black sludge, they put on a full-body rubber condom and arrested him for DUI. They released this statement after:

On January 27, 2014, at approximately 10:30 am, police responded to 500 West Lehigh Avenue for an auto accident. Upon their arrival officers observed a vehicle on the curbside of the southwest corner of 5th & Lehigh Avenue. The male operator was seated in the driver’s seat of a 2007 Silver Camry with no shirt on. The male was asked to step out of the vehicle and when he, did the male was unable to stand on his own. His clothes were torn off and he was unable to respond to police questions. Witnesses to the accident stated that the male was operating his vehicle west on Lehigh Avenue and then veered across the intersection at 5th Street and drove on to the curb hitting a fixed object. After the accident,the male operator exited the vehicle and began removing his clothing and yelling. He then attempted to drive off; however, someone was able to remove the keys and hold them until police arrived. The operator was identified as 34 year old ######### from Pennsauken, New Jersey. He was charged with Driving Under the Influence; no injuries reported.

Vince the Chicken Choker wasn’t charged with property damage, because the damage to the Crown Fried Chicken was minimal. He wasn’t charged with indecent exposure, because if the smell of fried chicken and spicy fries doesn’t make you want to rub your genitals, you’re not human. It’s a natural reaction. Of course, there’s video (Philadelphia Mag has the uncensored video if that’s what you need) of this mess and yes, I watched it while listening to Strokin’. Stroke it to the East, stroke it to the West, stroke it to the chicken that he loves best.

Note to self: The next time I’m at a Crown Fried Chicken, tell them to leave the homemade white gravy off of my mashed potatoes, thankyouverymuch.

(Thanks to Mahesha and everybody else who sent this in)