“Shhhh, Don’t Tell Anyone…Eets Me, Ahnold”

January 22, 2014 / Posted by:

To raise money for after-school programs or something (the why and the wtf are never really made clear) Arnold Schwarzenegger disguised himself in a bus-stop wig and moustache to spend the day surprising people at Gold’s Gym in Venice, CA as “regional manager Howard Kleiner”. Again, I have no idea how this raises money for after-school programs; I’m starting to think it was just an excuse for Ahnold to wear a wig. And let’s talk about that wig for a second, shall we? I don’t know what kind of magical powers it had that made Arnold squint his eyes when he put it on, but it was giving me shades of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s aka STOP DOING THAT, DETECTIVE JOHN KIMBLE.

Of course, he wasn’t able to fool anyone into thinking there’s a new manager at Gold’s Gym who just happens to sound exactly like The Terminator; even after a guy straight-up calls him Arnold, he says “Yeah, Howard is my name”. Arnold, you’re not a mall Santa and these aren’t kids who need convincing that you’re actually from the North Pole. You’re a grown man in a messed-up moustache pretending to work at a Gold’s Gym. I’d just like to stress that I still have no idea what any of this has to do with after-school programs.

And even though he was wearing a wig and a moustache and gave himself a name that sounds like my Jewish accountant (shoutout to Howard Kleimann, CPA!) the real Arnold was able to shine through and still be a major creep to the ladies. Arnold/Howard approached one woman to tell her “When it burns, it grows” (excuse me??) and when she says he looks familiar he responds: “Maybe you saw me on the FBI Most Wanted list” (no, that’s not weird at all). Then he stands watching a woman do crunches and says: “I love what I see, and I see what I love”. One last time, if someone could tell me how this raises money for after-school programs, it would be a great help.

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