Ricky Martin And His Dude Of Four Years Are Over

And whenever I see a picture of Ricky Martin and his J. Crew catalog (I see those heather grey tees) looking family, I’m always reminded that his twin kids dress better than me and their hair game is next level. I think the one on the right is even wearing hair clay. My hair can’t even take hair clay. Damn that kid.

So, Ricky Martin’s spokeswhore queefed out a statement to People saying that after four years of doing each other, Ricky and his stock broker partner Carlos Gonzalez Abella are no longer doing each other full-time.

“Ricky and Carlos have mutually agreed to end their relationship but continue to be united by friendship and their shared experiences.”

The hell kind of cheesy statement is that? I hope that by “shared experiences” Ricky means the sex tape they shot together. I mean, it’s always a tragic day when two hot bitches break up. But it’s even more sad for us when they break up amicably. Because I want Ricky and Carlos to get into a fight, throw vases at each other and I want Ricky to scream LARGATE at Carlos before kicking him out of their mansion. Then I want Carlos to get revenge by leaking the fuck tape they made with bright lights and HD cameras. Is that too much to ask?!

Oh well, at least we’ll always have that picture of them shaking sand off of a towel together. (Sadly, “shaking sand off of a towel” is not a euphemism for something sexy.)