But Who Gets Custody Of Lance Bass If Jessica And Justin Divorce?

December 24, 2013 / Posted by:

Jessica Biel may be getting tired of being Mrs. Justin Timberlake. Wait- or is it the other way around? He’s tired of being Mr. Jessica Biel? I’m still not 100% on who wears the pants with these two. Anyway, Radar is reporting that Jessica’s notable absence from both the rehearsal and after party for his SNL gig, along with his missing wedding ring while on tour means their marriage may have shit the bed.

Justin was solo again at the Saturday Night Live after party and he stayed until nearly 5 a.m.,” a fellow partygoer exclusively told Radar.

Everyone was buzzing about her absence.”

Biel was also noticeably absent from Timberlake’s American Music Awards appearance in Nov. which she addressed on Twitter saying, “I’m watching from home tonight. Calm down, Internet.

Nice try, Jessica, but telling the Internet to calm down is like slapping a piece of duct tape over somebody’s mouth to get them to stop throwing up. That shit does NOT work.

Here are my theories on Jessica’s mysterious absences:

1. They are divorcing because she’s tired of finding Justin singing and flipping through his Britney scrapbook, dressed in his half of those sweet his-and-hers Canadian tuxedoes and is one more teary “cry me a riiiiiiver” whisper away from shoving his ass down a flight of stairs and getting her own Snapped episode.

2. Justin is leaving Jessica for Jimmy Fallon.

3. She’s knocked up and hiding it after Justin put his dick in her box (please don’t put me in the corner- the fact that I slapped my own knee and almost fell backwards off the counter stool I’m sitting on is punishment enough). This would be good news for comic book fans everywhere because if Jessica has kept up her upper body workout, all they would need to do is borrow the bottom half of Danica Patrick’s muscle suit, film her delivery and with a little post-production work, there could finally be a decent Hulk movie.

4. SNL parties suck and Jessica is just exercising some self-preservation by skipping that shit.

(Pic: Wenn)

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