A Beautiful Christmas Gift: Heather Mills Is Terrorizing Humanity Again!

And I’m terrorizing your retinas with Heather Mills’ Spandex-covered crotch. This is the best holiday season ever!

Father Cuntmas decided that it’s been much, much, MUCH, much too long since all of our souls have shriveled and died at the sight of gold digging hero Heather Mills, so he brought her back into our lives just in time for the holidays. Heather Mills is finally back out there in the world doing what she was born to do: being a complete crazy bitch to people. The Mirror says that Heather’s Paralympic dreams are over after she cursed out an official during tryouts. Now, that’s the throbbing asshole I’ve come to know and love.

Heather was hoping to compete with the British Disabled Ski Time in the Paralympic Winter Games in Sochi next March and she was in Austria earlier this week to compete at the Pitzal Europa Cup. During a meeting with the International Paralympic Committee at a hotel, she was told by official Sylvana Mestre that she couldn’t wear a specially adapted boot during competition, because it hadn’t been cleared by the committee. Well, Sylvana Mestre quickly learned that when you tell Heather Mills something she doesn’t want to hear, she will rip off her leg and shove it all the way up your culo. Sylvana Mestre tried to work with Heather on the boot issue, but working with Heather is like trying to train a great white shark to give you a sweet peck on the lips. She called Sylvana a “bitch” several times and then went off. The Mirror’s source said:

“Heather erupted in rage. She told Sylvana: ‘Don’t you know who I am? I will make your life a misery. I will have you removed from the IPC and the sport.’ Sylvana was afraid she might hit her.”

A coach for Slovakia’s team said that Heather tried to push Sylvana and Sylvana told her to get away.

A rep for the IPC released this statement (Side note: Shortly after this statement was released, the rep went missing and his neighbors say the last time they heard him he was screaming, “NOT THE LEG! NOT UP THE CULO! PLEASE,” in his apartment.

“Para-athletes are role models and an inspiration to billions of people around the world. This disgraceful outburst is not what we expect from any athletes competing in our competitions and will not be tolerated. We understand the pressure athletes are under in the lead-up to Sochi 2014 and that Heather has been working extremely hard to achieve her goal. However, there can be no excuse for such aggressive and intimidating behaviour towards such a highly respected and experienced official within the Paralympic movement. All Sylvana was trying to do was enforce the rules and offer Heather a solution to the issue.”

Heather was forced to withdraw and she’ll probably be fined 1,000 euros by the IPC. Her coach says that she plans to file a complaint against Sylvana and claims there’s a “vendetta” against her.

Sylvana better move to another country, change her face, change her name and do the same to all the men in her life. If Sylvana is married to a man, Heather Mills is going to fuck that man, marry him without a prenup and then take all of his money in the divorce. Then once she’s done there, she’ll fuck Sylvana’s father, marry him without a prenup and then take all of his money in the divorce. If Sylvana’s father is dead, Heather Mills will go to his grave, dig up his bones, fuck his bones and then take any rings on his phalanges. Heather Mills really is back! Merry Cuntmas to us all!

Pic: Getty