This Might Be The Most Reasonable Thing That Goopy Paltrow Has Ever Done

Goopy Paltrow wants her Gooplings to grow up to be well-rounded blue bloods and so when she’s not teaching them to endanger lives by cutting off a peasant mobile to get to origami class, she’s teaching them Espanol! UsWeekly says that since Goopy is a born and bred European trapped in the body a dehydrated piece of American squash, she wants her children to know several different languages like European children. So at the wedding of Cameron Diaz’s assistant, Jesse Lutz, Goopy made her kids, Manzana and Moisés, speak only in Spanish to guests. The source said:

“Gwyneth reminded them through the party. At one point. Apple came to her table and asked, in Spanish, if she could sit on her lap!”

Goopy is the epitome of infuckingsufferable and she is one hundred percent the worst, but I can’t hate her for this.

As some of you can tell from the Spanish words I drop here and there, my Spanish is awful, shitty, embarrassing and offensive, and that’s especially tragic since my mother and my entire family on her side are fluent Spanish speakers. At family parties, my sister and I sit there like two derpy dumbasses as everyone speaks Spanish around us. The Spanish words fly by my ears, but sometimes I can catch a word or two. Sometimes I know they’re talking about me, because they say stuff like, “indecipherable indecipherable indecipherable BABOSO indecipherable indecipherable PINCHE PENDJO indecipherable indecipherable CHINO!” And what’s really shitty is that I can’t properly defend myself by cursing those bitches out in Spanish.

My mom says that she didn’t teach us Spanish as kids, because she was afraid that if we learned two different languages at the same time we’d be bad at both of them. I think what she’s trying to tell us is that our minds were too simple to handle learning two different languages. But the joke’s on her, because we suck at English too!

Anyway, that annoying trick Goopy is doing something right by teaching her kids Spanish, and mainly because when they get older they can curse her out and tell her they hate her in several different languages.