Well, That Explains Showgirls

November 19, 2013 / Posted by:

Before Nomi Malone brought us elegance, dignity and LBDs from Ver-sayce, Jessie Spano brought us hair sponsored by Aussie Sprunch Spray, the dangers of caffeine pills and everything that was wrong with fashion in the early 90’s. Elizabeth Berkley shat on her Saved by the Bell wardrobe on Bethany Frankel’s show (via US Weekly) because it made her feel like a dumpy butt plain Jane.

“I didn’t like it because I felt like as a young woman, just because you are a feminist, why can’t you also dress in things that make you feel girly and empowered,” Berkley told Frankel.

The talk show host agreed, noting, “And Tiffani [Thiessen] used to always get to wear all kinds of . . .”

“Right the bikinis,” Berkley interjected about her costar who played head cheerleader Kelly Kapowski. “They used to put me in a one piece. I’m sorry, but at 16 you don’t want to be the girl in the one piece with baggy shorts.”

After some extensive research (four Google searches), I have to agree with her on the clothes thing. Even AC Slater had sexier outfits than Jessie; he at least got to show some thigh. The 90’s were the fucking worst for clothes when you had to be modest. All I wanted were some Jordache jeans that required a wrench to pull the zipper all the way up or one of those Wet Seal outfits with the shorty shorts with the ruffle at the bottom that matched the pattern of the shirt, but my mom went to the Jessie Spano School of How To Dress Like A Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie, thus solidifying my place at the bottom of the social ladder in junior high.

Nobody puts a one piece on Jessie Spano” is the new “nobody puts baby in the corner” because Elizabeth clearly balled up all that resentment from being second best and used it to bring us one of the best cinematic examples of feminism of all time (if you use a really generous sliding scale, squint your eyes, watch it on mute and use the Miley Cyrus definition of the word): Showgirls! Nothing makes a lady feel more empowered and girlie than throwing on a pretty dress or a strappy, titty-baring dominatrix outfit and pulling off a well-choreographed dance number.

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