In “Why isn’t CNN, The BBC, Al Jazeera and public access covering this?” news, The Hollywood Reporter says that Goopy Paltrow is going to have to find another way to avoid waiting in the school pick-up line with a bunch of ordinary, new money peasants in E-classes. Goopy was not born with an antique Henry V-era solid gold spoon in her mouth (silver spoons are for rich common trash like Ricky Schroder) just so she can stare at the back of some pleb’s basic car. But she might have to get used to it, because her kids’ school has declared the pick-up line as a NO VESPA zone. SHOTS FIRED!
A couple of months ago, bitch almost turned Apple into applesauce when she shifted her Vespa into the cunt gear and cut off a school bus after picking her kid up.
In a shocking turn of events, the driver wasn’t fired and the bus wasn’t destroyed for daring to get in front of the almighty GOOP! Instead, the school is punishing her. The school didn’t fully call out Goopy when they announced the ban. They only said they were banning Vespas due to “safety concerns.” Goopy’s spokeswhore denies it.
How dare that school punish Goopy like this. A bunch of commoners punishing Goopy. Ridiculous! If this was medieval England, all those basic school officials would be dragged out into the middle of town square and punished by being forced to read one of her shitty cookbooks line by line. They should give Goopy her own gold-paved entrance for being charitable enough to allow her children to grace the bland American walls of that school with their noble British presence. But you know, I bet Apple loves the Vespa ban, because now her mom will have to wait in line and won’t be able to just zip in front of everyone to get her. This gives Apple time to jump into the backseat of a car waiting in line and scream, “PLEASE, take me to the nearest McDonald’s! I’ll pay you…but I only have Euros.”
And if you’re a rich whore who doesn’t know what the phrase “insufficient funds” means and are looking for ways to waste your money on stupid overpriced shit this holiday season, the Annual GOOP Gift Guide is out!
(Pic via Bauer Griffin)