Adam Levine Is Probably Going To Be People’s Sexiest Man Alive For 2013

November 14, 2013 / Posted by:

Well, the title totally works if the entire world blew up and he was the only person who survived, because he happened to be napping in a bank vault like that Twilight Zone episode...” is probably what a People editor said to another People editor when they heard that Adam Levine’s PR promised a lifetime of EXCLUSIVOS for the Sexiest Man Alive title.

Gossip Cop was right last year when they said that the swollen thumb with eyes Channing Tatum would get the Sexiest Man Alive stamp, and this year they’re saying that it’s going to be the #2 collector of Victoria’s Secret models (after Leonardo DiCatchAHo) Adam Levine. Gossip Cop says that next week, Adam will be on the cover of People’s Sexiest Man Alive issue. People wouldn’t say a thing about this. Let’s sashay down memory lane for a second to see who the last 3 sexiest pieces were:

2010 – Ryan Reynolds
2011 – Bradley Cooper
2012 – Channing Tatum

You know, I can’t even get mad at People for picking the wrong trick year after year after year after year after year after year and ignoring the truly sexiest men alive like Prince Hot Ginge, Anderson Cooper, Richard Simmons, Carrot Top, Verdine White and Walter Mercado. People and I are just never going to agree on the definition of “sexiest.” Besides, I’m sure there’s some weird whores out there who look at Adam Levine and think to themselves, “Yes, he looks like the kind of dude who will finger my butt and smell his finger right after, but he still does things to me.” So this is for those weird whores (and yes, I might be one of them. I’m not saying.)

And this is totally Adam’s year, because the Center for Disease Control is about to announce that he will be on the cover of 2014’s Sexiest Men of the CDC calendar.

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