This Is Happening: Jamie Dornan And Dakota Johnson As Christian Grey And That Anastasia Girl

To prove that the big-screen Fifty Shades of Grey movie hasn’t completely fallen apart and will move to Lifetime where it will star Doug Savant and Crystal Bernard (I wish), Universal dressed Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson as their characters for a photo spread in Entertainment Weekly. These pictures look like low-budget, badly-produced stock photos for a story about a rapey-eyed, controlling creeper who buys all of his ties from the Donald Trump Collection at Macy’s and the mentally-stunted woman girl who is contractually obligated to love him. They nailed it! I know, these pictures look like stills for a community theater production of Fifty Shades of Glib: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Story.

EW also interviewed Jamie and Don Johnson’s daughter and they both showed off their talents for lying their asses off:

Jamie on getting the role after Charlie Hunnam checked out: “There was a slight fear. But beyond anything else, I was really fucking excited.”

Don Johnson’s daughter on how she’s getting her body sex scene ready: “Obviously, I want to look good naked. I totally understand now why people exercise, because it kind of fucking feels awesome.”

Jamie on how a movie based on a story about sex needs to have sex in it: “I grew up in a very liberal place. I’m not saying we had a playroom, but I’m not shocked by [the sex in the book]. It’s essential to tell the story. I can’t believe films that don’t invoke the sexual side of it. So it works for me.”

Fifty Shades was supposed to come out in the summer, but they moved it to Valentine’s Day 2015. They don’t want to compete with World Cup. Ha. So now we know that on February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorce papers filed by middle-aged men on the same day will be made. Middle-aged husbands will rather divorce their wives than be dragged to this shitty mess on Valentine’s Day.