“Awkward” isn’t a word I’d normally associate with Natalie Portman. Boring? Yes. Minorly insufferable? That’s two words, but sure. Maybe I’m projecting because years later, I’m still not sure what the fuck happened in Black Swan, or why she won an Oscar for it, but I’m just not feeling this anecdote she shared with People on the last time she was injured:
Two days ago I banged my leg into a table. I was talking to someone and I got uncomfortable and I moved awkwardly and hit my leg. I was just being awkward.
Vegan, please. Don’t talk to me about awkward. Awkward is accidentally winking at the father of a Boy Scout on your front porch as you bypass the $20 bag of caramel corn for the jumbo pack of AA batteries. It’s forgetting your inlaws are in the delivery room and telling the doctor who’s wrist-deep in your baby canal, “Hey, that’s how I got here in the first place!” It’s getting caught by the guy working the Starbuck’s drive thru in the middle of a car performance of “Whoomp, There It Is”, complete with choreography. It’s doing the Mary Katherine Gallagher “SUPERSTAR!” jump in the middle of Costco after a particularly satisfying taste of the almond poppyseed muffin samples. It’s taking getting hurt into another stratosphere by waltzing down the stairs with your vacuum cleaner against your will after your chancla slips and betrays your ass, breaking your tailbone and landing at bottom of the steps in a fucking heap.
You may have that little gold statue to remind you of your triumphs, Natalie, but some of us are the true professionals when it comes to awkward.