Their First Clue Should Have Been When He Failed To Pee On Anyone
HuffPo is reporting that R. Kelly fans in Louisiana are remix-level angry after paying $150 to see R. Kelly perform at a promotional party for his upcoming album Black Panties, only to realize they were watching an R. Kelly impersonator. This sounds like the wacky hijinks of Will Smith and Carlton Banks, but it can’t be; Will is too busy reading The Way to Happiness in Tom Cruise’s treehouse (NO GIRLS ALLOWED) and Carlton is hosting a spelling bee gameshow (I wish I had just typed a joke, but I did not).
Since we should all get familiar with what happened before we set our PVRs to record R. Kelly vs. Louisiana R. Kelly Fans on Judge Judy (I WISH) here’s how everything went down. R. Kelly was scheduled to appear and perform at the Monroe Civic Centre on Oct. 26 for an event that was billed as “The Black Panties Promo Party”. Just by taking a quick buffet-swipe at the All Black Affair/R. Kelly Black Panties event on Facebook, there are at least 10 examples of the words Live, Performing, R. Kelly, and Will be in attendance. I think I even saw the phrase “Yes, R. Kelly will be here, for real, I promise, pinky-swear” a couple of times too. So when people paid $150 for tickets to one of Louisiana’s hottest events (second only to The Louisiana Springtime Chicken-Fried Gator Drop & Bayou Pageant) they thought they’d hear R. Kelly sing some songs from Black Panties (a piece of me dies every time I type ‘panties’).
According to one attendee, it was close to 1am by the time R. Kelly took the stage, and even through several layers of drank clouding their vision, people could tell something was up. R. Not Kelly (as we’ll call him from here on out) lip-synched (FOR HIS LIIIIIFE) for all of 4 minutes before exiting stage-left, and that’s when the audience channeled their inner Keith Morrison and Dateline NBC investigated their asses all over this tomfoolery. It doesn’t take a genius to know that R. Not Kelly was an impostor and everyone who spent $150 took to social media to let loose on R. Kelly in a fury of ALL CAPS and frustrated-looking emojis. To respond, a representative of R. Kelly reached out to Pitchfork, who told them that the event was billed as featuring an “appearance” from R. Kelly, not a concert, and that he was, in fact, there.
What in Twilight Zone hell is going on here?? A man claiming to be R. Kelly mouths the words to Bump n’ Grind, leaves in a cloud of mystery, then the real R. Kelly declares that this mystery man who looks nothing like him or sounds like him was him all along? There’s no word on whether or not attendees of the Black Panties party (please let that be the last time I type that) will receive refunds for their lip-synched concert, but I’m guessing not. If that were the case, Britney Spears would bankrupt every venue she’s ever performed at.