I Didn’t Know Gwyneth Paltrow Had An Autumn Home In Fargo, ND

October 30, 2013 / Posted by:

In Fargo, ND, a woman known only as Cheryl (how Madonna of you) has decided to take it upon herself this Halloween to teach fatties not to be fatties anymore by handing out letters of concern instead of candy. Wait, I’m sorry; she’s still handing out candy, just not to the fat kids. So if you’re dressed up as present-day Jennifer Hudson, you’re going home with a Fun Size Baby Ruth, but if you’re dressed up as Dreamgirls Jennifer Hudson, you’re going home with an 8.5×11 sheet of paper. Happy Halloween!!

In a Y-94 morning radio interview, Cheryl called in to express how concerned she is with all the overweight neighbourhood kids, and how it’s “really irresponsible of parents to send them out looking for free candy just ’cause all the other kids are doing it”. Every dentist in Fargo just breathed a sigh of relief knowing that giving out mini tubes of toothpaste no longer makes them the shittiest house on the street.

Cheryl got greedy and spilled the beans on her diabolical obesity-curing plan too early by calling in to Y-94 to brag about how above-it-all she is. Now along with a bunch of humiliated fat kids shuffling down her driveway with notes in hand, she’s going to have a line-up of parents ready to crumple that letter up into a ball and fire it back at her face. And that’s if she’s lucky! Cheryl might want to invest in some good rubber boots, because that radio station interview has given the neighbourhood kids plenty of time to match her paper-for-paper and leave flaming paper bags of dog shit on her doorstep.

It goes without saying that Cheryl is a human piece of garbage, but I will say this: that actual, physical letter wrapped me up in a warm blanket of nostalgia, and I love it. The CorelDRAW jack-o-lantern jpg from 1994 tells me this letter was most likely printed on Continuous form paper, and if you take out every reference to obesity or food and replace it with words like ‘Godless’ and ‘Path to Salvation‘, then you’d have the exact same letter that was handed out every Halloween by my born-again Christian bus driver in elementary school. Ah, those were the days.

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