If Mike Tyson Says You’re A Ragey Mess, Then Shit Must Be Bad

October 29, 2013 / Posted by:

When a notorious face-puncher like Mike Tyson is telling you to stop punching people, then you might want to ring up Calgon to take you away from fist-to-face contact for a while. TMZ reports that on the 95.5 PLJ Morning Show this morning, Tyson was asked if he had any advice for Chris Brown, who, as we all know, loves nothing more than to sink his tiny balled-up fists into whatever’s pissed him off that day.

“I like and admire that little guy, but what he really needs to understand is that eventually, if you keep doing that kind of stuff…people will turn on you.”

“I’m worried about him because he’s a sweet kid…they’re gonna put him somewhere where that’s all they do is assault people.”

I know I’m focusing on the wrong thing here, but the way he describes Chris Brown is similar to the way you’d describe an out-of-control 9-year-old. ‘The little guy’. ‘Sweet kid’. Well played, Mike Tyson, well played. For real though, having Mike Tyson advise you to stop getting violent with strangers is like Lindsay Lohan slipping you the address for Promises Malibu while you’re snorting drain cleaner off a Bowie knife. It can only mean one thing; your shit is MAJOR out of control. Chris Brown got lucky again when his most recent assault charge was reduced to a misdemeanour, but he isn’t always going to be riding around with horseshoes up his ass. Homegirl is still on probation for the shit he did to Rihanna in 2009, so the next time he decides to throw down with someone who ‘breathed on him wrong at Burger King’ (I’m just guessing that will be the next fight) he might get a Not-the-One Judge who says “Fuck it, I thought F.A.M.E was garbage” and throws his ass in the chokey.

If Chris Brown had any brains in his head (don’t answer that) he would take Mike Tyson’s advice. In the 1990s, Mike Tyson was the kind of celebrity who couldn’t pump gas without money raining from the sky, women throwing themselves at his feet, t-shirt cannons shooting ‘Iron Mike’ shirts into the adoring crowds, and his ass got thrown in the chokey for 3 years. Not 3 weeks community service reading to memaws at nursing home, but three full years in a Federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison. Chris Brown is so lucky he’s getting advice from Mike Tyson; this is his own personal Ghost of Christmas Future and this bitch BETTER LISTEN. I’m sure we’d all love a voice from the future visit us and give us advice (My ghost to me: “You can’t eat so many Pop Tarts, girl; leggings won’t be a trend forever…”)

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