Things That Don’t Make Sense: Tom Hardy Will Play Elton John In A Biopic

Nothing about Tom “Dabbled in Dick” Hardy playing Elton John in a biopic makes sense, but this is only good news. First, Justin Timberlake was supposedly the frontrunner to play Elton John, and JT and movies go together like butt sex and prunes, so somebody was looking out for all of us when his ass wasn’t cast. Second, I’d much rather watch Tom Hardy as Elton John snort coke off of a hustler’s b-hole than watch Elton John as Elton John snort coke off of a hustler’s b-hole. This is perfect casting!

Deadline says that Rocketman will be produced by Elton John’s partner David Furnish and it will be directed by Michael Gracey. Focus queefed out this release yesterday:

Tom Hardy will star as Elton John in Rocket Pictures’ Rocketman, and Focus Features has come aboard to give the film a major U.S. release, producers announced today.

The Hardy deal caps a lengthy search to cast the role of Elton in the film, which will be co-financed by AI Film.

Much like the man himself, Rocketman is a larger-than-life movie musical spectacle that tells the story of a child prodigy turned music legend. Elton will re-record many of his iconic hits to parallel the emotional beats of the film that will have audiences on their feet, singing along to his much loved music. The film is scheduled to shoot in fall 2014.

I don’t know if Tom Hardy can sing or play the piano, but who really cares? Rocketman can have all my money if they use zero special effects, Tom Hardy doesn’t wear any prosthetics and it’s a minimal production, meaning Tom Hardy plays Elton John if Elton John was a nudist. And based on the fact that they cast a hot trouty-mouthed piece to play Elton, I’m guessing the rest of the cast list is going to look like this:

David Gandy IS David Furnish!
Some Victoria’s Secret Angel IS Linda Woodrow!
Rosie Huntington-Whateverly IS Princess Diana!
Charlie Hunnam IS Eminem!
A cardboard cutout of a young Elizabeth Hurley IS Elizabeth Hurley!